There seems to be a trend lately, especially in American converts to Orthodoxy, that for women, we are presented with only two choices: either we should become a monastic, or we should get married, have lots of children and be a stay-at-home mother.
Now if one chooses marriage, then there are many in the Orthodox Church that promote the “quiver-full” ideology: once married, there should be no birth control and no limits on the number of children, regardless of financial or health concerns, because God will provide.
BUT… this is not an Orthodox big “T” Tradition. It is not an official dogmatic teaching or belief of the Orthodox Church.
It is a little “t”tradition often promoted by American Orthodox converts. I think some of this is a carryover from some Protestant teachings.
In fact, when we read the lives of many female saints, they are a diverse group of women… single, married, widowed, with and without children. And one is not presented with only 2 choices (either married with children or monasticism).
Prior to my conversion to Orthodoxy, I had been in Protestant, Evangelical, Charismatic churches and was very much involved in the pro-life pregnancy center ministries.
I had been a part of Christian singles groups and the mindset was very much women were supposed to: get married, have lots of children, be a stay-at-home mom, homeschool children, give up your career, and submit to the husband.
It always felt like I was to basically become a brood mare and slave with no autonomy or identity of my own.
Because I didn’t fit the mold, I was often labeled as rebellious, trouble, “loose”, lesbian, or worse. Never mind the truth that I was living a life of abstinence.
I wanted to be a missionary in a foreign country but was told I needed to wait until I was married.
I always felt less than others. I was strongly “encouraged” to have faith that God would bring my other half into my life so I could be fulfilled and find my purpose with a husband. I was encouraged to make a list of the qualities I desired in a spouse and to pray over that list. I was encouraged that “a way to a man’s heart was through his stomach” so I needed to become a good cook. I was exhorted to emulate the Proverbs 31 woman. So I learned all my housekeeping skills, financial management and business skills. It was an ideal that was difficult to live up to.
Growing up, I was considered a “tomboy”. It was always challenging for me to like “girl” activities. I would much rather build with my brother’s legos and erector sets than play with my sister’s dolls. I would rather build forts and treehouse than play house. I’d rather be climbing trees and creek walking than sit around chatting up small talk and dressing up like a princess. So it wasn’t surprising to be told once by an evangelical that I couldn’t be part of a music ministry until I became more “lady-like” and to go ask another woman in church how to become that (which I did and that woman was very confused because she thought I was fine just the way I was)!
When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be a teacher in a school. My grandmother was a teacher and my mother was too. So I actually got a college degree in Preschool/Elementary School Education only to find myself miserable working daily with children.
This is NOT to say I disliked children, because I did and still do like children, just not all the time and definitely not as a career. I thoroughly enjoyed volunteering in Sunday school and youth ministries. And I was a mentor to many young people throughout the years.
I later got a degree in Business Administration and was successful in the business aspects but had a hard time with the people part as it left me exhausted at the end of the day. I was a trainer in crisis intervention lay-counseling and was a very good crisis lay-counselor. But this too would leave me feeling burnt out. I was a public speaker and had numerous speaking engagements with both small and very large audiences. I was good at this and actually enjoyed this immensely, however I couldn’t make a living from this at that time.
I eventually found , sort of a place, in the Pregnancy Center ministries because at least I could use my education, skills and gifts in a meaningful capacity. But I had never been pregnant so I could never identify with others, though I was skilled and could identify in other areas. (It was because of this ministry that I began my journey of searching for the historical church and found orthodoxy. A story for another time.)
After a PTSD breakdown, I went to a vocational school and turned my stress-relief hobby into a career and became a dog trainer. So now I am a teacher, training others how to train their dogs.
I once had an Orthodox priest who believed in only the 2 choices and was very pushy for me to either get married or join a monastery.
Believe me, when I explored the marriage idea, the dating scene is not for the faint of heart! I had several disastrous relationships that left me very wounded. I explored monasticism and was gently told by an Abbess that I was probably not cut out for monasticism.
I eventually learned from this Abbess, and other godly orthodox people, that each individual has a unique vocation and calling to fulfill in our journey towards theosis, becoming like Christ. I now have a very understanding priest and very supportive godparents.
As the Apostle Paul says, “I’ve learned to be content in whatever state I am in.” (Philippians 4:11) I am not cut out to be married and never had a desire for marriage. I am not cut out to have children either.
I’m now in my 60’s and never married, no children. I am not a monastic. I still live a life of abstinence. I have a housemate whom I am her caregiver and I’m also a dog trainer. The beauty of the Orthodox life is there is no separation between secular versus sacred. Because of Christ’s incarnation, everything in life can be an act of worship, an expression of faith, an instrument for our salvation and growth in Christ.
My godmother often reminds me on Mother’s Day that I have been a spiritual mother to many young people in my life and that one can have spiritual children simply by being an example of faithfully living the Orthodox , Christian way of life.
There is not just two choices in living an Orthodox Christian life. In the history of the church, in other Orthodox churches around the world, and in the lives of the saints there is a huge diversity of occupations, stations of life, and vocations. There are married saints who didn’t have children. There are saints who remained single and traveled to different countries. There were wealthy women who gave money to support the church. There were widows, mothers, nuns and the fools-for-Christ. Jesus calls all people to take up our own individual cross and follow Him.
I hope my story will encourage you and I pray you will find peace and contentment in wherever God leads you. Blessings to you in your own unique journey. 🙏☦️
