Years have passed since I first found Christ, or rather since Christ found me.
Yes, Christ found me and I rebelled at first, then finally bowed my knee. I claimed Him as my Savior and Lord, my God and my Master. No other God would I serve.
But since that day, long ago, my feet have trodden many a time in places forbidden and dark. I, so often, have been drawn away to other masters, other gods who gave enticing yet deceptive treats that when grasped would crumble into dust; or when eaten turned bitter and full of bile when swallowed.
So, I have paid the price of tasting forbidden fruit. I have suffered the pain of grabbing thorns. I have known the shackles of fierce demons unrelenting in their torture. In fear and darkness, anxiety and unforgiveness, I walked through the valleys of the shadow of death.
In the depths of despair, I heard footsteps pursuing me. Afraid of the Presence of God, I hid but being so exhausted and tired, I surrendered to His One pursuit. I collapsed in His arms, not caring if He would slay me, for death itself would be better than living in the squalor and mire I was now in.
I cried out, “Lord, save me, deliver me, have mercy.” Then a light began to burn and the Presence of Whom I had surrendered to was the One I had always longed for. The Lord Jesus was the One who had been pursuing me relentlessly and never ending. He enveloped me in His arms. His love washing over me like wave after wave, cleansing, healing, forgiving.
God — I thought He was a fierce Master and a Lord that I could never appease. He was truly fierce and worthy of respect — for He was all powerful, so holy. Now, for the first time, I was given fresh revelation. Just as fierce was His righteousness, His love was equally fierce. I now surrendered to the lover of my soul.
I remember when I was young in Christ, visions and dreams enveloped my nights. By day, I was filled with an insatiable desire, an unquenchable thirst and hunger for God. I had a gnawing ache deep within that I was called to a purpose — a great and mighty plan. I’ve caught glimpses of His plans. I am still not sure what it all means. I am not sure about the why’s, what’s, or the when’s. His ways are always higher than mine. His ways are past finding out. God has given many gifts, skills and talents all I need is a desire to try and do my best for Him and surrender those gifts to Hitoshi use or not to use. I am so very thankful and so very blessed. It seems the Lover of my soul continues to shower me with His incredible treasures.
I am learning submission and obedience within God’s will. I can trust God to work all for good. I am learning more and more the balance between grace and obedience. I am learning evermore the depths and the heights of His great love, mercy, forgiveness and grace.
I am also learning that with the joy there is also the fellowship of His suffering. That love often bears a cross and a crown of thorns. But love never loses focus of the goal and will always prevail and endure.
I believe in trusting God with my future and leaving it in His hands. For I have learned that just when I think I know — that is when I am most ignorant. It is better to be like Mary, the mother of Jesus, and ponder the things in my heart than it is to speak too hastily.
I cannot help but wonder at the past events of my life. How does it all fit together in God’s plan? I do not know. I do know that He has called me away many times and says to me, “Come away my beloved. Come and learn of me. Spend time alone in my presence. Let Me love you. Let Me fill you with Myself.”
When a person is a child and his friends reject him the adult world says, “go and make new friends” or “that’s okay, you’ll find other friends.” Someone hurts her or calls her a name and the adult world says, “sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you.”
As a child becomes a teen and “falls in love” they call it “puppy love” but when the first break-up occurs the adult world says, “you’ll get over it” or “there are other fish in the sea.”
When friends hurt and we don’t fit in, others say, “they probably weren’t your real friends anyway” or “you’re better off without them.”
Finally, there comes a time when we are the adults. Mom and Dad are no longer there to run to and we have no answers. They are not there to hold us or wipe the tears from our eyes. We get hurt, cry on our pillow, then try and remember all those sayings we were told as a child. Yet, it doesn’t take the pain away anymore.
But, did it really ever help before?
Maybe, it merely would hide it for awhile… until the next time.
What do they really tell us?
Cover it up…
It’s all over…
You’ll get over it…
What good were all those sayings?
Many times my walls have gone up… walls of bitterness, mistrust, unforgiveness and hurt. I have made silent vows of: not letting anyone get too close; not letting myself become vulnerable; not letting anyone see me as I really am; not willing to love wholeheartedly.
But God’s relentless, pursuing love starts calling, wooing, and melting those walls. His love begins to permeate once again my heart, my life. I begin reaching out, touching others, loving again.
His love — it’s beautiful; it’s wonderful; it’s a sweet aroma, an enriching fragrance. I am lifted, refreshed, strengthened and renewed! My hope is built. My faith is encouraged. My trust is renewed. My heart is softened. I learn to love again.
Then it happens, my heart is tested by those very same areas that hurt, those same words, those same actions, the same pain, the same wound — reopened all over again. The only thing that may be different is the people have different names or faces. I tend to slip into disillusionment, despair, disappointment. Feeling rejected, lost, hurt, hopeless and lonely. The loneliness is the part we all hate. The loneliness we can feel even when we’re in a crowd.
May those lonely times drive me to the Lord Jesus Christ, the only one who can satisfy a lonely heart, fulfill my deepest longings, heal the wounds of pain.
As I stop seeking and pursuing after worldly pleasures and turn my efforts and affections toward the love of God will I find fulfillment.
As I let go of all memories, all the people, all the hurts, all the longings, will I find my heart satisfied.
In losing my life, I find it. In giving, I receive. In dying, only then shall I live. Sticks and stones may kill the body, but they cannot kill the soul.
There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. There is a friend that will never leave nor depart. There is a friend whose love will never change.
So, I have sought Him often alone — but not often enough. I know He desires me more than I Him, but that will probably always be that way. I feel as though I have been in a desert and yet I have not been forsaken. There is hidden beauty in the desert. I believe I have passed from a romantic feeling of love into a deep and abiding lasting love that goes far beyond feelings and into a deep sense of knowing.
I am at peace and am content with God. I feel comfortable with my relationship and settled. Yet, at the same time, paradoxically, I am restless, hungry, thirsty. I am satisfied but ever yearning for more of Him. I am in pursuit of God, yet at rest.
Yes, I have made up my mind. I will continue on this path, wherever the Lord may lead. I will stick with my God, my Lord, the one I love and am learning to love over and over again in fresh and new ways. I plan on hanging in through all the trials. I will not run from fear. I will face whatever the future may bring and take the risk of bearing a cross.
I may stumble, but I will go on. Ultimately, my deepest longings will be fulfilled and I will accomplish His purpose to which I’ve been called. Only by walking through the desert can I expect to enter that promised land. Like Jacob I will hold on until I receive the blessing. Even if, in holding on, it may appear to my natural eyes that I am crippled some way, in the end, every good thing has a price.
If I fail to hear God’s voice and find myself lost along the way, even in my wanderings I will be okay. I know that my Lord Jesus, is the Good Shepherd and will pursue and seek me. I can trust in God, alone, who can redeem anything that is lost including wayward dreams. He can make mistakes turn for good. He can make the foolish become wise — the strong become weak and the weak become strong. He can redeem the years that the locusts have eaten. He can bring beauty out of ashes and turn mourning into joy. He holds all things in His hands. He is sovereign and will accomplish His purpose and work in my life what He desires. So, I can face the future with assurance and hope. I am bathed and washed in His goodness and love.
Praise His name forevermore. He will keep me as the apple of His eye and hide me in the shelter of His wings. He is my God and I will be His servant forever! Not by my might, nor by my power, but by the grace of His Spirit!
Come to the one who is the lover of your soul. Come to the one who loves with a never ending, ever enduring, everlasting love. There is a Savior who will be with us in the deepest seas of despair, the darkest night of loneliness, the great chasm of pain. Jesus has felt the pain. He has known the agony. He has experienced the sorrow
In Him and through Him we can reach out. By Him and because of Him we can love again. Because nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord except our own selves. We know that His perfect love will cast out all fear. Then the world will know we are His disciples by our love!
”Lord of love, fill us with more of You!”